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Hi all,
Hope you had a great Christmas and got some of the things you wished for...
The Chief Rabbi of Israel visits the Pope in Rome.
The Rabbi sees a bottle of the best Malt Whiskey on the Popes desk and says â I didnât know that you drank â and the Pope smiling says "there are many things that we can enjoy in moderation would you like to taste some"?
The Rabbi thinks and decides if it is ok for the Pope then it is ok for him also so they both have a small dram.
On the table is a box of Romeo and Juliet cigars and there is the same exchange and they both enjoy a Cigar.
Then the Rabbi sees a small Gold Telephone on a side table.
"What is that gold phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord."
The Rabbi is puzzled as he does not have one and is rather sceptical.
The Pope explains its a new gadget something to do with Satellites and mobile technology.
The Rabbi is still very sceptical and asks the Holy Father if he can make a call, the Pope nods and the Rabbi picks up the phone and is connected to the Lord.
The Rabbi enjoys a lengthy discussion.
After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But look, I want to pay for my intergalactic phone charges."
The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.
He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right!
But its quite expensive as it has to go via the various phone networks and then by satellite so its 120 eurosâ.
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.
A year later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit to see the chief Rabbi.
On the chief Rabbiâs desk is a bottle of Kosher Wine and they both have a small glass.
There is the same brand of cigars and they both have a cigar as they talk about the worlds problems.
On a writing desk the Pope sees a Gold phone very similar to his and learns it is also a direct line to the Lord which has only been recently installed.
The Pope on remembering that he has an urgent matter that needs divine consultation asks if he can please use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.
After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. But the Pope insists, and the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.
The Chief Rabbi says that its "5 Shekels say one Euro".
The Pope looks very surprised.
"Why is it so cheap?"
The Rabbi smiles, " For me it is only a Local call." !
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A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."
"I do?" questions the confused youngster.
"Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked,
"You mean like my other Daddy does?"
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I'm starting to take this drink driving thing seriously now... Left the car at the pub tonight and took the bus home.... Quite proud of myself really.... I've never driven a bus before....
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Glaswegian Pub Quiz:
And the final question to win the £1000 is: Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two were "Take That" so what were the second two?
There was a long pause then a wee Glesga man stands up and says:
Was it - "Ya Bastard"...?
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As I left work today, my boss said to me, "I know your hours are 9am-5pm, but can you work an hour later tomorrow?"
I said, "Yeah, no problem, I'll see you at 10."
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There was an article on a newspaper website earler this week about a woman who had eaten curry for every meal for years - By her account, she had had curry for over 29,000 consecutive meals.
On the comments section, someone posted:
'I bet her bum looks like the Japanese flag.'
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"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."
My dog's full of useful information like that!!
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Michael O'Leary, head of Ryanair, walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a pint of Guinness?".
"One pound sir", says the barman.
"That's bloody cheap, I'll take one", says O'Leary.
"Will you be wanting a glass and/or a seat with it sir", asks the barman!!
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You know what's funny?
Paintings of Adam and Eve where they both have belly-buttons.
Think about it...
Take as much time as you need.....
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My wife's been missing for two weeks now.
Police came round and told me to prepare for the worst.
So I went down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
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My racing snail stopped winning races, so I removed its shell to make it more aerodynamic.
That didn't work cos it's more sluggish now
And on that note, I hope you all have a great New Year!!
Posted on December 30, 2011 at 3:32 PM
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Hooray - its back, I hear you groan  Anyway - here's a few I heard over the last few weeks (usual caveats and apologies in advance):
"We don't serve faster than light particles in here" said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
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I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep.
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Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand!!
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Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth". They also do takeaways.
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A Chinese guy stood next to me last night at the bar. I said to him, 'Do you know martial arts, like Kung-Fu and Ju-Jitsu?'
'Why you ask?' he says. 'Is it because Iâm Chinese?'
I said 'No, itâs because youâre drinking my pint.'
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Steve Jobs arrives at the Pearly Gates and tells St Peter "I have a complaint."
"What is it" asks Peter.
"Well" said Steve, "I thought it was customary for a dying person to see their whole life flash before them."
"Sorry" says Peter, "but you don't support Flash."
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The teacher asked a pretty female student: "Name three plays by Shakespeare."
"4 inches, 8 inches and 12 inches" she replied.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he said.
"Much Ado About Nothing, As You Like It and A Midsummer Night's Dream."
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I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.
He had a Wigan address!!
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From "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue". If you don't know it, check our BBC Radio 4 archives. I think a lot of these may have been posted before but I love a good double entendre:
Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's been invited to an exclusive club to meet a group of aristocrats. She's very excited to see where all the big knobs hang out. She says at such a posh function she and the other girls will probably end up trying to speak with plums in their mouths.
Samantha is a qualified croupier and often works at an excluslive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night.
Samantha has to nip out now as she's off to see her new American gentleman friend. He's a cattle trader, and as Samantha is keen to buy a prime example, she's been saving up. Excitingley, she'll soon be in a position to receive her first Texan Longhorn.
Samantha has to nip out now as she is off to her evening class where the baking instructor is going to assess her efforts. Last week he popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week.
Samantha is off on a tour of the Lake District with a naturist gentleman friend who wants to strip off at Keswick and Cockermouth.
Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based apperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liqour out on the balcony.
Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she may have an Old Man's Beard in her bush.
Samantha tells me she has to go now as she's off to the country residence of her new gentleman friend, who has some interesting birds in the thicket. He keeps a young chicken, but Samantha says there are also wild breeds there, and she can't wait to see his Woodcock, Pullet and Swallow.
Samantha has to nip out now as she's just heard that her gentlemen's outfitter friend has won salesman of the year. She's keen to rush over and surprise him with a big kiss in the trouser department, where he's been especially outstanding.
Samantha has to go now as she's off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who's taking her out for an ice cream. She says she likes nothing better than to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neopolitan.
Samantha has to rush off to meet her new footballer friend. He's very busy playing in the first and second rounds of an international, but she says there should be just time to give him a quick kiss between the legs.
Samantha tells me she has to nip off to a rare breeds farm where they still plough with huge beasts of burden. She's become friendly with a couple of farmhands who are going to show her their gigantic ox.
Samantha has to nip out to take her German Shepherd to the park to give him a stroke while he licks her face and pants.
Samantha tells me she has to nip out to greet a gentleman friend who's something of a shoe enthusiast. The last time she met him he was in his plimsoles with the crepe sole and felt upper.
As usual, Samantha has been down in the gramaphone library researching the teams' records, aided and abetted by the two kindly old archivists, Curly Smith and Chalky White. Samantha was saying she's been helping them rearrange their work rostas recently. Chalky was getting a bit worried that Samantha might reduce his overtime shift, but cheered up when instead he saw her shorten Curly's.
Record researcher Samantha has made one of her customary visits to the gramaphone library, where she runs errands for the kindly old archivists, such as nipping out to fetch their sandwiches. There favourite treat is cheese with homemade chutney, but they never object when she palms them off with relish.
As is customary, record researcher Samantha made her regular visit to the gramaphone library earlier. The kindly old archivist keeps a small terrier for company and Samantha makes a point of taking a treat of a biscuit or two. The archivist says he always loves to watch his little dog as he scampers up to Samantha with her couple of crackers held out and pants around her ankles.
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And on that note - its blummin' cold outside, coat scarf and hat are on....
Posted on December 15, 2011 at 11:19 PM
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Wow, now I'm on 'garden leave' between jobs, I never realised how little time there is in the day! Found some time to post a few of these though...
3 old ladies were sitting in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you two are saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.'
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
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A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."
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I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.
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A Jewish boy was doing his maths homework and asked his father for help.
"Dad, what's two and two?"
" Depends son. Are we buying or selling?"
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I'm looking to start a campaign for the deserved praise and recognition of venetian blinds.
If it wasn't for them, it'd be curtains for all of us.
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A young girl walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre
So he gave her one.
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A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach.
He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my GOD, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of? "
A voice booms from the sky, "ALL RIGHT ALREADY!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "Where's his hat?"
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A keen collector of old bibles meets a friend, who tells him he has just thrown away an old copy of that very book.
"It was some kind of Gutton ... Guten ..." he says.
"Not an old Gutenberg, by any chance?" says the bible collector, horrified. "A bible like that would fetch 3 to 4 million pounds at an auction!"
"Well that's OK then," says the friend of the bible collector. "This one was probably worthless. Some daft bugger called Martin Luther had scribbled comments all over the bloody margins ..."
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I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.
That's me in the korma......
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...and I'm off to get a lasagne. TTFN
Posted on November 11, 2011 at 5:59 PM
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Hi all, its been a while since I last added anything here, so apologies in advance for the large amount of drivel you are about to be inflicted with. Usual caveats apply:
IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.
Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regime of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living.
Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
dizziness
nausea
vomiting
incarceration
erotic lustfulness
loss of motor control
loss of clothing
loss of money
loss of virginity
delusions of grandeur
table dancing
headache
dehydration
dry mouth
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister
WARNINGS:
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse enthusiaistically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!
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A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."
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The Government have sent my Census form back. Apparently when responding to the question "Do you have any dependents" my response of "3 million dole scroungers, 2 million 'displaced' persons, 2 million in jail, 3 million 'disabled', 4 million offspring of foreign 'workers' still residing abroad, 500,000 drug addicts, 600,000 alcoholics and the debt of half the world" was not the answer they wanted !!
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SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ...'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky, a pretty blonde walks into the bar, sits down and orders a G & T.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and whispers , 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that then, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
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What am I?
Any where on the planet there's one within 3 meters of a human.
We sneak about in the half light stealing scraps to feed our young.
We breed at an alarming rate producing many generations in a few years.
We communicate using a collection on high pitched unitelligble squeaks and squeals.
We have a pale complexion with features similar to those of the common brown rat.
I am of course a Scouser.
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Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year and had been married for more than 50 years.
And every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to fly in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied, " I know, Bill, but that helicopter flight is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a cent!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
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Two radical Arab terrorists wearing suits and ties boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.
When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors:
'Why does it have to be this way?
'How long must this go on?
'This fighting between our nations?
'This hatred?
'This animosity?
'This spitting in shoes and pi**ing in cokes?'
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Greece: Avoid a massive national debt by simply using plates more than once instead of smashing them.
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Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.
"Careful here," says one of them, "My mountain guide fell down there last year."
"I bet you feel bad about that," says the other.
"Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages."
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A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise: two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle crash and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know If they could help him."
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate Operation. Fortunately, they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.
She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He looked at everybody, and said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM."
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and on that note, I'll carefully get up and put on my coat.....
Posted on November 03, 2011 at 10:40 AM
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Only the Chiefbat seems to be able to tell them apart.