skotch

Re: A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To the Forum

Hooray - its back, I hear you groan Anyway - here's a few I heard over the last few weeks (usual caveats and apologies in advance):

"We don't serve faster than light particles in here" said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
===============================================================

I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.

Should look cool on my black jeep.
===============================================================

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand!!
===============================================================

Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth". They also do takeaways.
===============================================================

A Chinese guy stood next to me last night at the bar. I said to him, 'Do you know martial arts, like Kung-Fu and Ju-Jitsu?'

'Why you ask?' he says. 'Is it because I’m Chinese?'

I said 'No, it’s because you’re drinking my pint.'
===============================================================

Steve Jobs arrives at the Pearly Gates and tells St Peter "I have a complaint."

"What is it" asks Peter.

"Well" said Steve, "I thought it was customary for a dying person to see their whole life flash before them."

"Sorry" says Peter, "but you don't support Flash."
===============================================================

The teacher asked a pretty female student: "Name three plays by Shakespeare."

"4 inches, 8 inches and 12 inches" she replied.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he said.

"Much Ado About Nothing, As You Like It and A Midsummer Night's Dream."
===============================================================

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.

He had a Wigan address!!
===============================================================

From "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue". If you don't know it, check our BBC Radio 4 archives. I think a lot of these may have been posted before but I love a good double entendre:

Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's been invited to an exclusive club to meet a group of aristocrats. She's very excited to see where all the big knobs hang out. She says at such a posh function she and the other girls will probably end up trying to speak with plums in their mouths.

Samantha is a qualified croupier and often works at an excluslive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night.

Samantha has to nip out now as she's off to see her new American gentleman friend. He's a cattle trader, and as Samantha is keen to buy a prime example, she's been saving up. Excitingley, she'll soon be in a position to receive her first Texan Longhorn.

Samantha has to nip out now as she is off to her evening class where the baking instructor is going to assess her efforts. Last week he popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week.

Samantha is off on a tour of the Lake District with a naturist gentleman friend who wants to strip off at Keswick and Cockermouth.

Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based apperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liqour out on the balcony.

Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she may have an Old Man's Beard in her bush.

Samantha tells me she has to go now as she's off to the country residence of her new gentleman friend, who has some interesting birds in the thicket. He keeps a young chicken, but Samantha says there are also wild breeds there, and she can't wait to see his Woodcock, Pullet and Swallow.

Samantha has to nip out now as she's just heard that her gentlemen's outfitter friend has won salesman of the year. She's keen to rush over and surprise him with a big kiss in the trouser department, where he's been especially outstanding.

Samantha has to go now as she's off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who's taking her out for an ice cream. She says she likes nothing better than to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neopolitan.

Samantha has to rush off to meet her new footballer friend. He's very busy playing in the first and second rounds of an international, but she says there should be just time to give him a quick kiss between the legs.

Samantha tells me she has to nip off to a rare breeds farm where they still plough with huge beasts of burden. She's become friendly with a couple of farmhands who are going to show her their gigantic ox.

Samantha has to nip out to take her German Shepherd to the park to give him a stroke while he licks her face and pants.

Samantha tells me she has to nip out to greet a gentleman friend who's something of a shoe enthusiast. The last time she met him he was in his plimsoles with the crepe sole and felt upper.

As usual, Samantha has been down in the gramaphone library researching the teams' records, aided and abetted by the two kindly old archivists, Curly Smith and Chalky White. Samantha was saying she's been helping them rearrange their work rostas recently. Chalky was getting a bit worried that Samantha might reduce his overtime shift, but cheered up when instead he saw her shorten Curly's.

Record researcher Samantha has made one of her customary visits to the gramaphone library, where she runs errands for the kindly old archivists, such as nipping out to fetch their sandwiches. There favourite treat is cheese with homemade chutney, but they never object when she palms them off with relish.

As is customary, record researcher Samantha made her regular visit to the gramaphone library earlier. The kindly old archivist keeps a small terrier for company and Samantha makes a point of taking a treat of a biscuit or two. The archivist says he always loves to watch his little dog as he scampers up to Samantha with her couple of crackers held out and pants around her ankles.
================================================================
And on that note - its blummin' cold outside, coat scarf and hat are on....