Anyway - here's a few I heard over the last few weeks (usual caveats and apologies in advance):"We don't serve faster than light particles in here" said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
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I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep.
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Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand!!
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Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth". They also do takeaways.
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A Chinese guy stood next to me last night at the bar. I said to him, 'Do you know martial arts, like Kung-Fu and Ju-Jitsu?'
'Why you ask?' he says. 'Is it because I’m Chinese?'
I said 'No, it’s because you’re drinking my pint.'
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Steve Jobs arrives at the Pearly Gates and tells St Peter "I have a complaint."
"What is it" asks Peter.
"Well" said Steve, "I thought it was customary for a dying person to see their whole life flash before them."
"Sorry" says Peter, "but you don't support Flash."
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The teacher asked a pretty female student: "Name three plays by Shakespeare."
"4 inches, 8 inches and 12 inches" she replied.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he said.
"Much Ado About Nothing, As You Like It and A Midsummer Night's Dream."
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I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.
He had a Wigan address!!
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From "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue". If you don't know it, check our BBC Radio 4 archives. I think a lot of these may have been posted before but I love a good double entendre:
Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's been invited to an exclusive club to meet a group of aristocrats. She's very excited to see where all the big knobs hang out. She says at such a posh function she and the other girls will probably end up trying to speak with plums in their mouths.
Samantha is a qualified croupier and often works at an excluslive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night.
Samantha has to nip out now as she's off to see her new American gentleman friend. He's a cattle trader, and as Samantha is keen to buy a prime example, she's been saving up. Excitingley, she'll soon be in a position to receive her first Texan Longhorn.
Samantha has to nip out now as she is off to her evening class where the baking instructor is going to assess her efforts. Last week he popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week.
Samantha is off on a tour of the Lake District with a naturist gentleman friend who wants to strip off at Keswick and Cockermouth.
Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based apperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liqour out on the balcony.
Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she may have an Old Man's Beard in her bush.
Samantha tells me she has to go now as she's off to the country residence of her new gentleman friend, who has some interesting birds in the thicket. He keeps a young chicken, but Samantha says there are also wild breeds there, and she can't wait to see his Woodcock, Pullet and Swallow.
Samantha has to nip out now as she's just heard that her gentlemen's outfitter friend has won salesman of the year. She's keen to rush over and surprise him with a big kiss in the trouser department, where he's been especially outstanding.
Samantha has to go now as she's off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who's taking her out for an ice cream. She says she likes nothing better than to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neopolitan.
Samantha has to rush off to meet her new footballer friend. He's very busy playing in the first and second rounds of an international, but she says there should be just time to give him a quick kiss between the legs.
Samantha tells me she has to nip off to a rare breeds farm where they still plough with huge beasts of burden. She's become friendly with a couple of farmhands who are going to show her their gigantic ox.
Samantha has to nip out to take her German Shepherd to the park to give him a stroke while he licks her face and pants.
Samantha tells me she has to nip out to greet a gentleman friend who's something of a shoe enthusiast. The last time she met him he was in his plimsoles with the crepe sole and felt upper.
As usual, Samantha has been down in the gramaphone library researching the teams' records, aided and abetted by the two kindly old archivists, Curly Smith and Chalky White. Samantha was saying she's been helping them rearrange their work rostas recently. Chalky was getting a bit worried that Samantha might reduce his overtime shift, but cheered up when instead he saw her shorten Curly's.
Record researcher Samantha has made one of her customary visits to the gramaphone library, where she runs errands for the kindly old archivists, such as nipping out to fetch their sandwiches. There favourite treat is cheese with homemade chutney, but they never object when she palms them off with relish.
As is customary, record researcher Samantha made her regular visit to the gramaphone library earlier. The kindly old archivist keeps a small terrier for company and Samantha makes a point of taking a treat of a biscuit or two. The archivist says he always loves to watch his little dog as he scampers up to Samantha with her couple of crackers held out and pants around her ankles.
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And on that note - its blummin' cold outside, coat scarf and hat are on....
skotch
Re: A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To the Forum
3 old ladies were sitting in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you two are saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.'
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
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A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."
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I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.
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A Jewish boy was doing his maths homework and asked his father for help.
"Dad, what's two and two?"
" Depends son. Are we buying or selling?"
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I'm looking to start a campaign for the deserved praise and recognition of venetian blinds.
If it wasn't for them, it'd be curtains for all of us.
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A young girl walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre
So he gave her one.
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A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach.
He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my GOD, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of? "
A voice booms from the sky, "ALL RIGHT ALREADY!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "Where's his hat?"
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A keen collector of old bibles meets a friend, who tells him he has just thrown away an old copy of that very book.
"It was some kind of Gutton ... Guten ..." he says.
"Not an old Gutenberg, by any chance?" says the bible collector, horrified. "A bible like that would fetch 3 to 4 million pounds at an auction!"
"Well that's OK then," says the friend of the bible collector. "This one was probably worthless. Some daft bugger called Martin Luther had scribbled comments all over the bloody margins ..."
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I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.
That's me in the korma......
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...and I'm off to get a lasagne. TTFN