Now I can post again, heres one or two to keep you grimmacing (just hope Mrs S doesnt read some of these):
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
Barack Obama met with the Queen.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? What tips can you give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"
David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's David Cameron!"
I walked into my house to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall.'We have your wife, if you want to see her alive again we want £500,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined... Await a phone call.'
They weren't joking about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them so far.
My wife was sexually assaulted by a group of mime artists.
They performed unspeakable acts upon her.
Bill, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and outright charm while hanging over Bills arm and listening intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
Bill says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here: Don't step on the ducks, as they are God's favorite creation."
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you've ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever."
The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn't step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.
The man remarks, "Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
The Blonde says, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."
Jesus Ramierez was looking for a job and heard that there was an opening for a janitor at the local Catholic church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well.
"You have the job," said Father David, "just sign here."
Jesus made a big "X" on the paper.
"What's that?" asked the priest.
"That's my mark." replied Jesus.
"You're supposed to sign your name." said Father David.
"That's my mark," Jesus replied, "I cannot read or write."
"What? We're sorry but you can't work here. You have to be able to sign your name."
Well, Jesus kept looking and finally got himself a job. The job was as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he worked his way up until he became captain of his own tugboat. He did very well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.
And so, one day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity. The mayor went to Jesus and said, "Jesus, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form for me and we'll be all set."
Jesus made a big "X" on the paper.
"What's that?" the mayor asked.
"That's my mark." replied Jesus.
"Your mark?" The mayor asked.
"Si, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."
"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?"
the mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!"
"Si," Jesus said. "I could have been a church janitor."
"You won't like me when I'm angry.
Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."
The Credible Hulk.
An official stopped me in the hospital car park "You can't park here. It's badge holders only.""But I have got a bad shoulder!" I replied.
What is the difference between a woman jogger and a sewing machine?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
That fly never knew what hit him.
Apparently John Terry has taken the lead role in consoling Ashley Cole and Ashley Young.
He is very good at dealing with his team mates misses.
Tea companies have announced that they are due to release an erotic batch of tea bags to appeal to women.
50 shades of Earl Grey .
Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs!!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're going to love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."