Hi there all

I've tried to post a selection of bits to this string, but for some reason, the content has been deemed inappropriate by the forum software - I've read through it all again but for the life of me can't figure out what is so offensive that a software algorithm says its inappropriate. Ho hum

There must be an Anti-skotch filter ...... try leaving out the references to your coat!!!

I'll try again from a different PC:

I've just drawn a picture of Yogi Bear.
My mate says I've forgotten the hat and tie and made it way too small.
Looks like I've made a boo boo.
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I often wondered why Activia adverts are aimed so exclusively at women. "Men experience bloatiness," I thought. "Why not include them? What's with the focus on women?"

Tonight it struck me.

When men are bloated, they f a r t. They don't go out and spend £2.99 on yoghurt.
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When it was hot last week I sunbathed naked in the garden, my female neighbour reported me and I got arrested for indecent exposure.

Today I spotted her sunbathing naked in her garden, so seeing a chance for revenge, I called the police.

Now I've been arrested for being a peeping tom
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Some Steven Wright classics (if you don't know - look him up!):

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

- Half the people you know are below average.

- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... but she left me before we met.

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

- Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

- I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking..

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work
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Five pearls of Wisdom:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bas***d's name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
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My wife's leaving me because she's apparently fed up of me "quoting her all the time"
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Anyway I think the software doesn't like the F word, and as its my wedding anniversary, I must "be sure I'm home for 7.30". Coat at the ready...

Ah Skotch - you never fail to make us smile on a Friday!!

Nancy x

"Anti-Skotch filter" hahaha Good one Remy!!!

Why am I Divorced?

A few months ago it was my birthday and I didn't feel very well when I woke up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday!' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought ... well, that's marriage for you, but at least the kids will remember.

Then my kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and they didn't say a word either.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss, Rick, said, "Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock. Then Rick knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's a beautiful day outside and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me ..."

I said, "Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day ... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" He said, "Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, "If you don't mind, I'm just going to step into the bedroom for a moment. Just make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back." "Ok" I replied, nervously.

He went into the bedroom and then after a couple of minutes, came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends & co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there ...

On the couch ...

Naked.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest:

"I almost had an affair with another woman."

"What do you mean, almost?" the priest said.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You`re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary`s and put 50 pounds in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying:

"I saw that. You didn`t put any money in the poor box!"

"Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 pounds on the box, and according to you, that`s the same as putting it in....

Can I just say to Aussie Floyd Admin - you have one heck (he*l) of a 'profanity filter' on this site.

Can you guess how many times I had to reword that last joke to get it past the censor?!

Its rather intolerant don't you think skotch ?
I wasn't allowed to post the every day phrase c O c k - U p a couple of days ago while posting about the DVD delay.

It's a little know fact that mechanics invented swearing, so this filter will severely effect my posts! LOL

Morning all - had a beer too many last night so with a clearer head ....

Just back from my mates funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service
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I`m at the police station at the moment and I`ve been done for drink driving. I had to take a urine sample, and it came up positive.

So I nicked the sample, and the cops are now doing me for taking the p1ss!!!
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BBC have just announced that Gaddafi may have slipped in to Jordan.

Has that woman no shame?
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Why do men twist their wedding ring?

They are trying to work out the combination
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Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct..... obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.
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A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading a Neo-Nazi newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: 'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a Neo-Nazi newspaper?'

Moshe replied:

'I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Anti-Semitism in Europe, terrorism in Israel, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Neo-Nazi newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful,

Jews rule the world.

The news is so much better!'.
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A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I`ve been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!
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I asked my boss if I could leave work a couple of hours early to go shopping with the wife.

"Not a chance!" he said.

"Thanks, boss. I knew you wouldn`t let me down."
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I've been arrested for reading people's fortunes.

Or going through their bank statements as the police call it.
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Its too hot for a coat......

Morning all. Usual caveats etc... You may notice a few more American jokes here - I'm guessing that our bretheren over there may be visiting this site in larger numbers now that we've lent them a band for a few weeks:

Why don't we find the Tuna that isn't very friendly to Dolphins, and eat those nasty buggers instead?
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On their way to get married, a young couple are tragicly killed and find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:- Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When they reached the front of the queue, they asked St. Peter who was somewhat taken aback and said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has made such a request. Let me go find out." at which point he dissapeared into heaven, closing the gates behind him. The couple sat and waited, and waited, and waited.

Two months passed and as the couple were still waiting they wondered what they would do if the marriage didn't work out- especially as heaven is for eternity? Would they be stuck together forever?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled, harassed and worn out.
"Yes.It is good news." he sighed. "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" exclaimed the couple, "But we were just wondering. What if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce here as well?"

St. Peter went crimson with anger and slammed his clipboard onto the ground so hard that it shattered into a thousand pieces.
"What's wrong?" quaked the frightened couple.
"Now look here!" Screamed St. Peter. "It's taken me three sodding months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it would take to find a solicitor?"
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THE FINAL EXAM

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time - however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.

"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
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Ed Miliband and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Miliband in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Miliband was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Justine, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife, Sam doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like"."
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I met this really kinky girl. "Humiliate me," she said. So I bought her an Arsenal shirt.
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It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door.

He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."

"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker.

"What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
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I tried to call someone the other day from a pay phone but I inserted my donor card instead of my calling card. That call cost me an arm and a leg.............
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sorry - some very bad puns here:

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine..
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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Environmentalists are always criticising Ryanair for encouraging people to fly with their low cost flights.

Oh come on, we all know if you fly with Ryanair you will be doing at least half the journey by bus!!
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My son got me a bat & ball - The bat's useless - Just hangs upside down in the wardrobe.........
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Its cold & wet outside - the coat is on!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper.


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little b a s t a r d.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club-registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is...Stephanie!! ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Non-Deep Thoughts

- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

- They told me I was gullible ... And I believed them.

- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a motorway.

- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

- Is there another word for synonym?


More Non-Deep Thoughts

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- The speed of time is one second per second.

- Is it possible to be totally partial?

- What's another word for thesaurus?

- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his trousers off.

-It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


Even More Non-Deep Thoughts

- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

- What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

- Who's cruel idea was is to put the 'S' in lisp?


A Cynics Guide to Life:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows, a foundation leaks and a football game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... And sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.
Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's' dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the whisky group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbour's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... And just give them a noogie or a Chinese burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... You can't wait to throw up

Morning all - still waiting for my DVD but in the meantime...

When life gives you melons, You know you're dyslexic
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I hate it when people tell me to behave.

Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived (unchaperoned) in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery-solving hippies that always had the munchies.
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Things I Have Learned from Children

A 3 year old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog lead over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

If you hook a dog lead over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a cricket hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

DVDs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Rubbish bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire brigade in my town has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
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We had to say goodbye to our German Shepherd yesterday.

Auf wiedersehen, pet.
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A chap in the pub the other night declared: `The wife says we would have less arguments if I wasn`t so pedantic.`

He added: `So I told her that surely she meant `fewer`.`
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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The guy says, "A hamburger with extra onions, fries and a diet coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A little later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please."

The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger with cheese, fries and a fat coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak ,medium rare , baked potato and a salad, with a glass of the house red".

"Same," says the ostrich.

In a little while the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £39.62."

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress just cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir but how is it that you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket each and every time?"

"Well," says the guy, "many years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would simply put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right…Whether it's a pint of milk or a Bentley, the exact amount is always there," says the guy.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The guy sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with all that I say.."
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I was on the bus today in Liverpool and a group of scouse youths were shouting F in' this, F in' dat, F in de other.

Not exactly swearing, they were just talking about their exam results!!
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Its a bit chilly around here, so its jumper and coat on.....

Truths For Mature Humans!


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on number 5 I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.. .again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: pretty much the same thing.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

I bumped into a Dutchman today and I noticed his shoes had built-in sat nav. I thought to myself 'Clever clogs'
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Daffy Duck's on a dirty weekend, calls reception and asks for condoms. Receptionist says "Should I put them on your bill?"

He replies "Don't be thupid, I'd thuffocate"

PONDERISM

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3. Life is sexually transmitted.

4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

13. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

21. Do the save the Earth crowd realize the Earth is trying to kill them?

Hi all, its been a while since I last added anything here, so apologies in advance for the large amount of drivel you are about to be inflicted with. Usual caveats apply:

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regime of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
dizziness
nausea
vomiting
incarceration
erotic lustfulness
loss of motor control
loss of clothing
loss of money
loss of virginity
delusions of grandeur
table dancing
headache
dehydration
dry mouth
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister

WARNINGS:
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse enthusiaistically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!
==============================================================

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

===============================================================

The Government have sent my Census form back. Apparently when responding to the question "Do you have any dependents" my response of "3 million dole scroungers, 2 million 'displaced' persons, 2 million in jail, 3 million 'disabled', 4 million offspring of foreign 'workers' still residing abroad, 500,000 drug addicts, 600,000 alcoholics and the debt of half the world" was not the answer they wanted !!
==============================================================

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'
==============================================================

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ...'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky, a pretty blonde walks into the bar, sits down and orders a G & T.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and whispers , 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that then, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
===============================================================

What am I?

Any where on the planet there's one within 3 meters of a human.

We sneak about in the half light stealing scraps to feed our young.

We breed at an alarming rate producing many generations in a few years.

We communicate using a collection on high pitched unitelligble squeaks and squeals.

We have a pale complexion with features similar to those of the common brown rat.



I am of course a Scouser.
===============================================================

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year and had been married for more than 50 years.

And every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to fly in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied, " I know, Bill, but that helicopter flight is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a cent!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
==============================================================

Two radical Arab terrorists wearing suits and ties boarded a flight out of London .

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors:

'Why does it have to be this way?

'How long must this go on?

'This fighting between our nations?

'This hatred?

'This animosity?

'This spitting in shoes and pi**ing in cokes?'
=============================================================

Greece: Avoid a massive national debt by simply using plates more than once instead of smashing them.
=============================================================

Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.

"Careful here," says one of them, "My mountain guide fell down there last year."

"I bet you feel bad about that," says the other.

"Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages."
==============================================================

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise: two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle crash and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know If they could help him."

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate Operation. Fortunately, they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He looked at everybody, and said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM."
===============================================================

and on that note, I'll carefully get up and put on my coat.....

Wow, now I'm on 'garden leave' between jobs, I never realised how little time there is in the day! Found some time to post a few of these though...

3 old ladies were sitting in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you two are saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.'
=============================================================

I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
=============================================================

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.

Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."
============================================================

I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.
============================================================

A Jewish boy was doing his maths homework and asked his father for help.

"Dad, what's two and two?"

" Depends son. Are we buying or selling?"
=============================================================

I'm looking to start a campaign for the deserved praise and recognition of venetian blinds.

If it wasn't for them, it'd be curtains for all of us.
=============================================================

A young girl walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre

So he gave her one.
=============================================================

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach.

He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my GOD, how could you?

Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother?

Haven't I kept a kosher home?

Haven't I given to charity?

Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?

Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of? "

A voice booms from the sky, "ALL RIGHT ALREADY!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "Where's his hat?"
=============================================================

A keen collector of old bibles meets a friend, who tells him he has just thrown away an old copy of that very book.

"It was some kind of Gutton ... Guten ..." he says.

"Not an old Gutenberg, by any chance?" says the bible collector, horrified. "A bible like that would fetch 3 to 4 million pounds at an auction!"

"Well that's OK then," says the friend of the bible collector. "This one was probably worthless. Some daft bugger called Martin Luther had scribbled comments all over the bloody margins ..."
==========================================================

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma......
===========================================================

...and I'm off to get a lasagne. TTFN

Hooray - its back, I hear you groan Anyway - here's a few I heard over the last few weeks (usual caveats and apologies in advance):

"We don't serve faster than light particles in here" said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
===============================================================

I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.

Should look cool on my black jeep.
===============================================================

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand!!
===============================================================

Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth". They also do takeaways.
===============================================================

A Chinese guy stood next to me last night at the bar. I said to him, 'Do you know martial arts, like Kung-Fu and Ju-Jitsu?'

'Why you ask?' he says. 'Is it because I’m Chinese?'

I said 'No, it’s because you’re drinking my pint.'
===============================================================

Steve Jobs arrives at the Pearly Gates and tells St Peter "I have a complaint."

"What is it" asks Peter.

"Well" said Steve, "I thought it was customary for a dying person to see their whole life flash before them."

"Sorry" says Peter, "but you don't support Flash."
===============================================================

The teacher asked a pretty female student: "Name three plays by Shakespeare."

"4 inches, 8 inches and 12 inches" she replied.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he said.

"Much Ado About Nothing, As You Like It and A Midsummer Night's Dream."
===============================================================

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.

He had a Wigan address!!
===============================================================

From "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue". If you don't know it, check our BBC Radio 4 archives. I think a lot of these may have been posted before but I love a good double entendre:

Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's been invited to an exclusive club to meet a group of aristocrats. She's very excited to see where all the big knobs hang out. She says at such a posh function she and the other girls will probably end up trying to speak with plums in their mouths.

Samantha is a qualified croupier and often works at an excluslive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night.

Samantha has to nip out now as she's off to see her new American gentleman friend. He's a cattle trader, and as Samantha is keen to buy a prime example, she's been saving up. Excitingley, she'll soon be in a position to receive her first Texan Longhorn.

Samantha has to nip out now as she is off to her evening class where the baking instructor is going to assess her efforts. Last week he popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week.

Samantha is off on a tour of the Lake District with a naturist gentleman friend who wants to strip off at Keswick and Cockermouth.

Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based apperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liqour out on the balcony.

Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she may have an Old Man's Beard in her bush.

Samantha tells me she has to go now as she's off to the country residence of her new gentleman friend, who has some interesting birds in the thicket. He keeps a young chicken, but Samantha says there are also wild breeds there, and she can't wait to see his Woodcock, Pullet and Swallow.

Samantha has to nip out now as she's just heard that her gentlemen's outfitter friend has won salesman of the year. She's keen to rush over and surprise him with a big kiss in the trouser department, where he's been especially outstanding.

Samantha has to go now as she's off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who's taking her out for an ice cream. She says she likes nothing better than to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neopolitan.

Samantha has to rush off to meet her new footballer friend. He's very busy playing in the first and second rounds of an international, but she says there should be just time to give him a quick kiss between the legs.

Samantha tells me she has to nip off to a rare breeds farm where they still plough with huge beasts of burden. She's become friendly with a couple of farmhands who are going to show her their gigantic ox.

Samantha has to nip out to take her German Shepherd to the park to give him a stroke while he licks her face and pants.

Samantha tells me she has to nip out to greet a gentleman friend who's something of a shoe enthusiast. The last time she met him he was in his plimsoles with the crepe sole and felt upper.

As usual, Samantha has been down in the gramaphone library researching the teams' records, aided and abetted by the two kindly old archivists, Curly Smith and Chalky White. Samantha was saying she's been helping them rearrange their work rostas recently. Chalky was getting a bit worried that Samantha might reduce his overtime shift, but cheered up when instead he saw her shorten Curly's.

Record researcher Samantha has made one of her customary visits to the gramaphone library, where she runs errands for the kindly old archivists, such as nipping out to fetch their sandwiches. There favourite treat is cheese with homemade chutney, but they never object when she palms them off with relish.

As is customary, record researcher Samantha made her regular visit to the gramaphone library earlier. The kindly old archivist keeps a small terrier for company and Samantha makes a point of taking a treat of a biscuit or two. The archivist says he always loves to watch his little dog as he scampers up to Samantha with her couple of crackers held out and pants around her ankles.
================================================================
And on that note - its blummin' cold outside, coat scarf and hat are on....

Hi all,

Hope you had a great Christmas and got some of the things you wished for...

The Chief Rabbi of Israel visits the Pope in Rome.

The Rabbi sees a bottle of the best Malt Whiskey on the Popes desk and says “ I didn’t know that you drank “ and the Pope smiling says "there are many things that we can enjoy in moderation would you like to taste some"?

The Rabbi thinks and decides if it is ok for the Pope then it is ok for him also so they both have a small dram.

On the table is a box of Romeo and Juliet cigars and there is the same exchange and they both enjoy a Cigar.

Then the Rabbi sees a small Gold Telephone on a side table.

"What is that gold phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord."

The Rabbi is puzzled as he does not have one and is rather sceptical.

The Pope explains its a new gadget something to do with Satellites and mobile technology.

The Rabbi is still very sceptical and asks the Holy Father if he can make a call, the Pope nods and the Rabbi picks up the phone and is connected to the Lord.

The Rabbi enjoys a lengthy discussion.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But look, I want to pay for my intergalactic phone charges."

The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right!
But its quite expensive as it has to go via the various phone networks and then by satellite so its 120 euros”.

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.

A year later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit to see the chief Rabbi.

On the chief Rabbi’s desk is a bottle of Kosher Wine and they both have a small glass.

There is the same brand of cigars and they both have a cigar as they talk about the worlds problems.

On a writing desk the Pope sees a Gold phone very similar to his and learns it is also a direct line to the Lord which has only been recently installed.

The Pope on remembering that he has an urgent matter that needs divine consultation asks if he can please use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.

After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.

Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. But the Pope insists, and the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.

The Chief Rabbi says that its "5 Shekels say one Euro".

The Pope looks very surprised.

"Why is it so cheap?"

The Rabbi smiles, " For me it is only a Local call." !
==============================================================

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."

"I do?" questions the confused youngster.

"Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked,

"You mean like my other Daddy does?"
==============================================================

I'm starting to take this drink driving thing seriously now... Left the car at the pub tonight and took the bus home.... Quite proud of myself really.... I've never driven a bus before....
==============================================================

Glaswegian Pub Quiz:

And the final question to win the £1000 is: Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two were "Take That" so what were the second two?

There was a long pause then a wee Glesga man stands up and says:

Was it - "Ya Bastard"...?
==============================================================

As I left work today, my boss said to me, "I know your hours are 9am-5pm, but can you work an hour later tomorrow?"

I said, "Yeah, no problem, I'll see you at 10."
=============================================================

There was an article on a newspaper website earler this week about a woman who had eaten curry for every meal for years - By her account, she had had curry for over 29,000 consecutive meals.

On the comments section, someone posted:

'I bet her bum looks like the Japanese flag.'
==============================================================

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."

My dog's full of useful information like that!!
===============================================================

Michael O'Leary, head of Ryanair, walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a pint of Guinness?".

"One pound sir", says the barman.

"That's bloody cheap, I'll take one", says O'Leary.

"Will you be wanting a glass and/or a seat with it sir", asks the barman!!
==============================================================

You know what's funny?
Paintings of Adam and Eve where they both have belly-buttons.

Think about it...
Take as much time as you need.....
===============================================================

My wife's been missing for two weeks now.
Police came round and told me to prepare for the worst.
So I went down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
===============================================================

My racing snail stopped winning races, so I removed its shell to make it more aerodynamic.
That didn't work cos it's more sluggish now

And on that note, I hope you all have a great New Year!!

Happy New Year everyone....

thought my new girlfriend was great. But after noseying through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's uniform. a french maid's outfit and a police woman's uniform, I dumped her..... It's obvious, she can't hold down a job...
===============================================================

Men are tricked into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves...
but the maniac stays...
===============================================================
Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived?
===============================================================


While my wife researched her family tree, I went through the parish records.

I found out that the vicar's a big Wham! fan.
==============================================================

Pearls of Wisdom:
1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the b*st*rd's name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you he's in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk
==============================================================

Getting winter coat ready for Poland...ttfn